Normal World For Normal People

World is a crap - Kill 'Em All.

MANIFESTO OF A HEAD THAT DOESN’T WORK ANYMORE

I don’t know how to start this. I don’t have a plan. I don’t even want one. I’m sick of pretending everything has to make sense. Nothing makes sense. Not even me. Especially not me. I wake up with my whole body tense, like something’s about to happen. Always. Nothing happens. But I’m scared anyway. Then I feel guilty for being scared. Then angry. At everything. At everyone. At myself. Then nothing. And that’s when I start thinking I’m not real. That none of this is. Sometimes I hear things. I don’t know if they’re real. But they’re there. Like an echo that won’t shut up. Sometimes I feel like someone’s watching me even when I’m alone. Sometimes I think someone’s controlling my thoughts. That there’s something behind people’s eyes, something laughing at me. I can’t trust anyone. Even the ones who say they want to help. Especially them. I feel like they’re studying me. Waiting for me to slip. Like scientists and I’m some weird bug. I’m tired. Thinking hurts. Not thinking hurts too. I’ve wanted to smash my face into a wall just to feel something that isn’t this noise. And I did. And it didn’t work. What’s the point of a body if it just keeps betraying me? All of this is a war. With myself. With whatever the hell lives in my head. I don’t know who I am. Or if I even am. But I’m not giving up. I’ll scream, I’ll hit, I’ll cry, I’ll laugh in ways that make people uncomfortable. I’ll survive myself even if I don’t understand how. Don’t talk to me about healing. Don’t talk to me about mindfulness, or positive affirmations, or “just go outside.” Don’t talk to me like you understand. I’m not asking to be saved. I’m writing this so I don’t explode. So I don’t go even crazier than I already am. So there’s at least some proof I existed, even if it’s like this: twisted, paranoid, broken. This is me. This is what you get. And if it makes you uncomfortable, then good— you’re seeing it right.

Keep paranoid.